Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
