Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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