I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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