They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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