I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
