i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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