dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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