i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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