He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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