Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
