We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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