My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
