I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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