I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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