Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I can't put those talents on a resume
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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