i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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