I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
