i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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