I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
