fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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