I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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