There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
