That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
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i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
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We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize