you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
