the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
