porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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