Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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