Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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