Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
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Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was