You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
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He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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