There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
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He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
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While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.