My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
