Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
