I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
