Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
