I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There's always time for handjobs
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here