my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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