grandma shit on top of the toilet
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?