Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder