He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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