also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The beer is more important than you right now.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
