I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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