how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
