you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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