Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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