Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
