Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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