i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
