At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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