Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
