My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
