Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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