well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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