drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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