things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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