First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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