My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Everclear isn't food dammit
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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