please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
