Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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