My balls are so social today.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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