Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
