Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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