so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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