I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
