Since when is my name a synonym for head?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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